i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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