I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
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