She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
