i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
