Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
