i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
