My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
