i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
