Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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