Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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