my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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