sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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