Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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