Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
