I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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