You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
