she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
