Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
