make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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