barbara walters just said penis...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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