Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize