So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize