i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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