The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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