the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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