I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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