Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
