oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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