Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
