I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
