she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
i've created a new STD.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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