I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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