I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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