Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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