He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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