Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(619): View more from California

I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.

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(850): View more from Florida

Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

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(713): View more from Texas

Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

dibs on John Mayer's hood pass

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i cant cry in cvs. not again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(719): View more from Colorado

I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab

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(661): View more from California

Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him

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