Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you inspire me to be a worse person
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
