I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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