so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize