omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
