I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
