Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize