I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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