Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
