Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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