I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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