When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
