there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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