She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
third nipple confirmed
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
