I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
