I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
