Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
