I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
