I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
