you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
