God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
