Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
