I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
