You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
