Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
