Banned from zoo.
Again?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
