how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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