how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
