youre lurking in front of me
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
