JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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