why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
