I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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