I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
