Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
organizing the empties. That sober.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
